Finally got most of the house cleaned and more organized! Just in time for the tornado to come through! I have my child this week, no matter what I know that there will be some disorganization by the week's end. That's life, not that I am that organized anyway. I am certainly not anal about it. Well not really. I like organization but I never have enough room or places to put everything! So I never get to the point that I am anal about it, because everything doesn't have a place yet. Then add to the situation that half of my things are still at my husband's house and I am living in my father's house.... I fell like a Gypsy! I have felt like a Gypsy since I was 9 years old. Moving every few years, no place of my own. This house is the closest thing that I have had to a permanent home and this is the first time that I have lived here. I am living in my Grandparent's house. The one true constant throughout my life. As a child we celebrated all major holidays here, as a teenager I spent weekends here when my father was in Tennessee; as an adult I sat with my Grandmother when she could no longer be by herself. I was here when my Grandfather died at the hospital, sitting with my Grandmother and I was here in the room that I now sleep in, my Grandparent's room, when my Grandmother joined my Grandfather. I never thought that I would be living here, but I am glad that I am. This place is going to give me the chance to recharge and take control of my life, I know. I feel a strength here that I have felt no where else. I am confident here, I have power here! This is the house of my family! From here I can go anywhere and do anything that I set out to do!
Speaking of; Time to step it up! Tomorrow sewing,sewing, sewing! My friend's store opens at the beginning of Feb and I need to have a stock of products ready to go.This week we start full time day care rather than Tues.-Thurs. Which is good except that I am not full time anywhere yet. So that is another $100 a month, which eats almost all of my child support. Hopefully one of both of my jobs will give me some hours this week. I the down time the plan is to spend 2-4 hours each day job searching and 4+ hours each day sewing, split between the time that the child is in daycare and sleeping. Now if I could just shack this crud that has had a hold of me for the past 3 weeks, all will be good. I kicked the nicotine addiction but now my sinuses and everything else are going haywire! I do not remember feeling this bad when I stopped smoking while I was pregnant.
Dinner with the soon-to-be -ex went very well this evening. He actually talked and hung around a bit after dinner. No comments about how messy of a cook I am or anything really negative. Only that the child doesn't whine as much with him. But then the house was a little more organized than the last 2 times he came over. Life is much more pleasant when he doesn't make me feel like crap! I wish our marriage was more like that and that he could love and accept me for who I am, but that's his loss not mine. And the best thing is that everyone tells me that, all of his friends and family. I feel sorry for him, that he can't except anything less than his idea of perfection. But I can't live my life knowing that I will never be enough. I worry some about the relationship he will have with our child but then the child is part of him so he is much more accepting of the child's faults than he ever will be of anyone else's. Of course I no longer walk on eggs shells and tell him flat out if I think he is wrong, or if he could have handled a situation better and he now listens. Why is it that separation and divorce breed a different intimacy that wasn't there before? Why can we be more open now than we were when we were trying to stay together?
