Mud

I just have not had the energy to keep up with anything this week! And I only had my child one day. I feel so inadequate at living life, being productive and being a parent sometimes. My jobs are both part-time on-call type jobs, so it is feast or famine. This week I worked my government job; it is not a very demanding job, but I am wiped out when I get home. I guess it could be because I work in a 30 degree F environment and have poor circulation to begin with. Or that I still haven't figured out how to eat well. Or that I am a small person and have to wear 5 layers of clothes at work and drink a gallon of coffee a day? Maybe one day I will figure it out. But then it could be my meds so I guess I will try taking them at night again then maybe I will not be SO tired during the day.
Some days I feel like going to make doctor and getting a full-body scan to make sure there aren't any tumors in me and getting every blood test to find out what is wrong with me! I hate being this tired all of the time! I know that there are women out there who have gone through this and are going through this. If you are out there help me please! I need some energy! What am I not doing right?

Calmer Seas

Finally got most of the house cleaned and more organized! Just in time for the tornado to come through! I have my child this week, no matter  what I know that there will be some disorganization by the week's end. That's life, not that I am that organized anyway. I am certainly not anal about it. Well not really. I like organization but I never have enough room or places to put everything! So I never get to the point that I am anal about it, because everything doesn't have a place yet. Then add to the situation that half of my things are still at my husband's house and I am living in my father's house.... I fell like a Gypsy! I have felt like a Gypsy since I was 9 years old. Moving every few years, no place of my own. This house is the closest thing that I have had to a permanent home and this is the first time that I have lived here. I am living in my Grandparent's house. The one true constant throughout my life. As a child we celebrated all major holidays here, as a teenager I spent weekends here when my father was in Tennessee; as an adult I sat with my Grandmother when she could no longer be by herself. I was here when my Grandfather died at the hospital, sitting with my Grandmother and I was here in the room that I now sleep in, my Grandparent's room, when my Grandmother joined my Grandfather. I never thought that I would be living here, but I am glad that I am. This place is going to give me the chance to recharge and take control of my life, I know. I feel a strength here that I have felt no where else. I am confident here, I have power here! This is the house of my family! From here I can go anywhere and do anything that I set out to do!
Speaking of; Time to step it up! Tomorrow sewing,sewing, sewing! My friend's store opens at the beginning of Feb and I need to have a stock of products ready to go.This week we start full time day care rather than Tues.-Thurs. Which is good except that I am not full time anywhere yet. So that is another $100 a month, which eats almost all of my child support. Hopefully one of both of my jobs will give me some hours this week. I the down time the plan is to spend 2-4 hours each day job searching and    4+ hours each day sewing, split between the time that the child is in daycare and sleeping. Now if I could just shack this crud that has had a hold of me for the past 3 weeks, all will be good. I kicked the nicotine addiction but now my sinuses and everything else are going haywire! I do not remember feeling this bad when I stopped smoking while I was pregnant.
Dinner with the soon-to-be -ex went very well this evening. He actually  talked and hung around a bit after dinner. No comments about how messy of a cook I am or anything really negative. Only that the child doesn't whine as much with him. But then the house was a little more organized than the last 2 times he came over. Life is much more pleasant when he doesn't make me feel like crap!  I wish our marriage was more like that and that he could love and accept me for who I am, but that's his loss not mine. And the best thing is that everyone tells me that, all of his friends and family. I feel sorry for him, that he can't except anything less than his idea of perfection. But I can't live my life knowing that I will never be enough. I worry some about the relationship he will have with our child but then the child is part of him so he is much more accepting of the child's faults than he ever will be of anyone else's. Of course I no longer walk on eggs shells and tell him flat out if I think he is wrong, or if he could have handled a situation better and he now listens. Why is it that separation and divorce breed a different intimacy that wasn't there before? Why can we be more open now than we were when we were trying to  stay together?

Myself

I have decided that writing a blog is akin to talking to yourself. Especially if you don't tell anyone that you are writing a blog. That's o.k. because I rather enjoy conversing with Myself. Myself always understands what I am trying to say. Myself gets my jokes and thinks that they are hysterical. Myself may not always have the best advice and sometimes gets me into trouble but then isn't that what best-friends do? Regardless of how lonely I am I will always have Myself and she can be quite entertaining at times.

Chaotic Waters

So the attempt to bring calm to the chaos the is my physical surroundings is a very slow process. I am talking about organizing and carving out a workspace in this house for my accessories hobby/business.  Not to mention the chaos of  mine and my child's rooms. One day I can have things clean and the next it looks like a tornado went through. Especially those days that I have my child. I am a good organizer but I tend to get overwhelmed very easily and things pile up and up! Add to the mix I am not in my own house and have not been for almost 3 years. I moved in with my husband in 2008 when we got married but his house was never really my house. You see he is very much a person that likes things his way and has a hard time compromising. His idea of compromise was to build a shed to put my life in.  I had a house and a life before I met him and the merging was not an easy one. Hence we are now separated and I am living in my father's house. Which is ok since he is usually not here and spends nearly all of his nights with his significant other.

I am hoping that once I get organized that this business will take off. Though my soon-to-be-ex-husband would much prefer me to find a full-time job with benefits. I would like that too. I am smart, educated and have most of the skills that are preferred for the positions that I am applying but I just don't have the experience....or sometimes I want a salary that I can actually support myself on! Go figure, food, bills, necessities and no government assistance? What is up with that?!? At this time I am refusing to talk to anyone representing a company that has outsourced. I need a job!!! I am sure that Bob in India's life is much better now and he doesn't cost the company as much as I would but the fact is that there are many Americans who would love to have his job if it paid a salary where we could have a standard of living that afforded us a modest place to live, the ability to provide for our children and not to have to worry about how to make all the ends meet so that the circle of life can continue!

And equal opportunity employment? HA! I have passed numerous tests with flying colors and proven myself to be qualified for entry-level positions with the state in which I live. I have noticed though that when I go in for my testing the groups that I am testing with and the persons that conduct these tests are of a minority ethnicity. Also the offices are filled with minorities and females with an occasional minority male. No white males and very very few white females. Being an educated white female completely works against me when I apply for state jobs!

I guess this is enough of a rant for now. Time to take up the reigns of chaos.

Day 1 - Slack Tide

So this is my first blog. Welcome to my life! I have so many things to comment on and share with the world. I thought of writing a book but it seems like every time I start something I just cannot finish it. I have perfected the art of self-sabotage!

You may be asking what is this blog about? So am I. I think that I will keep it simple and write about whatever happens to strike me at any given moment that I sit down and start typing. So fasten your seat-belts; this is bound to be a ride to rival the most insane carnival coaster!

So a little about me. I am in my 30s and have a 4 year college degree in a subject that seems to have no true value in the geographical location that I call home. I am employed part-time with two on-call type positions. Which means my schedule is a kin to feast or famine. In the past 3 years I have sent out hundreds of resumes, applied to hundreds of positions and had about 50 interviews; alas no full-time job offers.  I am either too qualified or don't have the specialized experience that companies want. Oh and sometimes equal opportunity employment works against me! I owned a small business for a few years but the failing of my first marriage plus my medical problems at the time lead me to those places called self-doubt and slackerdom.  Several years later I met a man and we got pregnant. So then came marriage, a baby carriage and turmoil.  We knew each other 2 months when we got pregnant and a total of 5 when we got married. I thought my getting pregnant without the fertility drugs that I used in my first marriage (without success) was a sign that this man was for me. He thought that we played with fire and got burnt.   Out of this union a wonderful and brilliant child was born! At this point me and husband #2 have been separated for several months and the tumultuous waters that ruled our lives has been replaced with calm seas that occasionally produce awesome waves. We are one of those pairs of parents that though we don't live together we can be friends, socialize and interact on a daily basis.

Now I am at a crossroads in my life wondering through the fog trying to determine which path to take.  I love to create things. food is my weak point, well actually baking. I love to make comfort food and most of the time that leads to fat and sugar laden products that carry the flavors of life. Sometimes it is a culmination of the flavors of our childhood, pure and sweet, a flavor that wraps you in a security that is hard to find as an adult. Then there is the flavor of adolescence, rebellious and reinvented, the classics with a twist of the unexpected. The daring flavor of dreams yet realized. Occasionally the adult flavors come out; sophistication, refinement, the bittersweet taste of the ingredients that we chose for our recipe. A mixture that leads us to hope, fulfillment  and peace.

Fortunately food is not the only thing that I create. At this moment I am in the process of creating accessories. similar to the business I had before yet broader and not so specialized. Right now it is just a hobby and a way to bring in a little extra cash.

So that is a little about me to begin with. Now I must get back to the reality of my surroundings and try to organize the chaos that is my physical domain.

DW